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the wind is strong but i am stronger.

today I learn

 today i learn that i have to trust bell hooks, who once said:

"knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. when we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape."

it is ourselves that we have to trust, first and foremost. 

to face any pain with bravery; perhaps if we cannot confront or ask her today, ask her another day, "what makes you hurt?" 

to face any hardship with perseverance. 

--

it is us we can rely upon. it is us we rely upon. believing in yourself does not equal to being selfish and individualist, neglecting others' needs; for we could keep ourselves when we help others to keep their sanity intact.

thank you, bell hooks, for a kind reminder.

written while listening to Layur and Rara Sekar - Insignificant Other.

my ma's happiness

today my ma sent a picture of her and her office mates winning lip sync battle. she uses an emo and gothic-like attire and I asked her, "mum, why did you dress like Evanescence?" she laughed and said, "I sang a song by My Chemical Romance! It has to be dark, don't you think?"

I smiled and replied, "yes." she sent me other three pictures. she laughed in every single picture. she seems so carefree. she looks pretty. she sent me other lengthy messages, so insistent that I catch every details of her performance: the jury's comments, the audience's reactions, the praise she received from her team.

I smiled and replied, "I'm glad if you are happy." because I am; my ma deserves the world but the world is sometimes very hard to her. I imagine she faces a different reality when she goes home, facing another round of harsh words and shallow commentaries by a man i should call 'father'. so, I'm glad if her office offers her another reality where she is beloved, and cherished, and appreciated, and respected.  a reality that should've present everywhere she goes. a reality where she does not have to get a mistreatment just because an immature man cannot manifest his ego. 

how could someone hurt a person who love them so much? how could someone do not fear of feel guilty when they inflict a pain on a person who take care of them so gently? 

i love my ma, but she teaches me that I should find someone who will try hard and harder and harder and harder to give me the love that I deserve. 

A new bestfriend

i think it is a misconception to illustrate that a person has so many layers like an onion. i am more inclined to believe that human have several layers like flowers, in which they shed their skins by their own will, and we just witness how they trust ourselves enough to grow together with us and finally are firm to show their own true colours. our task, however, is only to give necessary time and comfort space for the flower to complete its cycle. stand a bit close but not too close it will harm them. have a faith and embrace them but not too tight they cannot regulate their own bodies. afterwards, we could also pick up the petals and keep it to both of us, as a memento that once it covered the person beautifully (but maybe not so truthfully). the flower now is probably seem less pretty; but I can sense it is lively and ripe -- for it has pistil and stamens that will manifest as another prominent organism elsewhere.

a flower is a subject of beauty and so friendship is. 

thank you mas riz for the friendship (and trust). when you were gone I felt a tad bit sadness and loneliness and that time I know that you are dear to me. 

your bestie,

bia. 

Smallest Interaction

This is how it feels like if you're having a crush, bur you keep silent about it, but you lowkey are longing for interaction and communication that will cheer up your entire day, but you don't express it anyway. every replies will ignite your heartbeat. every sources about him will be an artifact that you analyse really carefully, wholeheartedly. even his username on your instagram views will make you smile.

it's quite pathetic, isn't it? I recently saw from Instagram that if you feel like you're attached or attracted to someone so strongly though you barely know each other, it is most likely because of (1) you're bored --  you have nothing going on in your life at the moment and your brain identifies this person as a form of  'excitement', (2) you're trying to avoid painful and overwhelming situation in your life right now, so you associate this person as a form of 'distraction', and (3) you want what they have (or what they represent to you), whether it's their discipline, success, assertiveness, etc etc, so they are a form of 'reflection' to you. i cannot deny all these factors, as my life (especially the romantic sphere) has been suck for the last 6 months, and it was when I met him, I finally felt something. not as cliché as love, but probably ... attraction.

these last two days I scanned his name on my instagram views and found none. i wonder if this is because he is busy or he might do something with my account (mute me?) or if it's just an instagram random algorithm that push my story away from his top 10. the second thing is quite impossible, as I highly doubt he feel such a strong emotion towards me to the point he want to mute me. see, I stress over something so trivial and again: it's quite pathetic, isn't it? 

but just a few minutes ago I see his name. 

I smile. 

while I pray that this constant attraction just flickers away like fireflies who went to their home after the morning light, I'm also grateful since I could find peace in the smallest interaction and I am still able to like someone.

or: let's wake up from your delulu-ness and make him as one of your close friend, and see if things going well afterwards, shabia.   

 

Transportasi Publik

i.

aku lupa betapa menyenangkannya naik transportasi publik. 

merasakan ruang yang dibagi serasa personal tapi impersonal juga. menyaksikan diri ini melaju melintasi aneka tempat dan waktu, mengenali perubahan dan nir-perubahan, dan mengamati penumpang lain. waktu melambat dan melembut meskipun sama saja ritmenya. merasa sejenak berkuasa untuk memindahkan beban mobilitas ke bahu pak supir, masinis, atau apapun namanya, karena yang kita lakukan hanya duduk diam sembari menanti tiba di destinasi. merasakan derum di bawah kaki dan mendengar mesin saling beradu; nyaring heningnya tergantung mode transportasi yang kita naiki. buatku yang mengandalkan waktu, energi, dan perhatian untuk memacu motor bebekku membelah jakarta, naik transportasi publik memberikan pengalaman yang 90 derajat berbeda; pengalaman yang meditatif, karena untuk pertama kalinya aku jadi pasif. tentu ini hanya terjadi kalau transportasi publik cukup sepi, hal yang memberikan konteks dalam catatan kecil ini: aku suka naik transportasi publik di akhir pekan. kalau di hari biasa aku pasif tapi tetap harus siaga juga, kalau-kalau ada bahaya mengintai di balik tangan nakal yang mengincar barang-barang atau tubuhku.

ii.

hari ini aku naik transjakarta, tapi bukan rute yang biasa. setelah turun di Fatmawati, perjalanan dilanjutkan dengan naik MRT. dalam interval sebelum dan sesudahnya, diselingi berjalan kaki. 

tentu berjalan kaki tidak sesyahdu naik transportasi publik, tapi tetap menyenangkan juga. tidak ada yang memburuku, tapi aku senang lari-lari menjajaki hitam-putih lintas zebra yang merentang di lampu merah. sesudah itu kaki akan terasa sakit, tapi bisa dilemaskan sejenak di dalam kereta. tampaknya aku senang membentuk skenario waktu yang sempit di tengah-tengah peralihan mode transportasi, karena dengan berjalan cepat aku bisa menyambar pilihan kereta yang paling cepat pula.

begitu pula pas pulang, aku masih berlari-lari kecil, menyelinap di antara rombongan pesepeda motor dan pengemudi mobil yang berdesak-desakan di lampu merah. hari ini aku pulang malam hari, jadi jalan kakiku semakin menyenangkan. aku harus lewat bawah jembatan flyover fatmawati yang gelap, tetapi ada pedestrian buatan yang di kirinya ada pepohonan. daunnya menjuntai seperti semi-kanopi, membuat suasana agak remang-remang tapi tak gelap sepenuhnya karena lampu jalanan dan cahaya dari mobil-mobil. aku membayangkan diriku ada di terarium di bawah hutan beton, dengan pencahayaan artifisial yang tidak terlalu maksimal. sebuah perasaan aneh menyelinap, bahwa perjalanan ini milikku dan hanya untukku seorang, jika aku hilang orang di depan terlalu jauh untuk menyadarinya, dan aku berada di tengah kebebasan tetapi juga ketidakberdayaan. 

di fatmawati perempatannya besar sekali, dan ruwet, dan terang, tapi aku biasa berhenti sejenak untuk membaca tulisan-tulisan di baliho yang warna-warni, menikmati untaian narasi yang disusun tim pemasaran untuk memikat orang-orang. tapi tanpa itu pula, aku senang bagaimana warna-warna itu membuat suasana menjadi semakin upbeat, semakin cyber, seakan hal-hal digital bisa membuat kita merasa transenden. 

iii.

di dalam transportasi publik hari ini aku membaca Normal People karangan Sally Rooney, yang bukunya kubeli karena aku suka filmnya. di dalam salah satu bab ia menulis soal pemikiran protagonis lelaki bahwa kita memilih untuk menyukai sesuatu karena hal itu tidak membuat kita mengkonfrontasi hal-hal buruk dari diri kita yang kita coba untuk abaikan. tapi cinta seperti ini takkan pernah berhasil, bila ada jenis cinta yang menguliti diri kita hingga ke sungsum tulang paling dalam yang membuka tabir keganjilan diri kita; hal-hal tabu, hal-hal aneh, hal-hal yang tak jelas juntrungannya tapi itu diri kita juga. dan bagaimana jenis cinta seperti ini membuat kita diterima, suatu konsep yang bahkan tak kita kenali karena berbagai trauma sejak kita belia. kita tapi tak bisa membohongi bahwa kita ingin merengkuh cinta yang ini, betapapun logika membuat diri kita enggan melakukannya. 

cuplikan bagian yang paling kusuka:

in the weeks they've been apart, his emails to Marianne become lengthy. He's started drafting them on his phone in idle moments, while waiting for his clothes in laundrette, or lying in the hostel at night when he can't sleep for the heat. He reads over these drafts repeatedly, reviewing all the elements fof prose, moving clauses around to make the sentences fit together correctly. Time softens out while he types, feeling slow and dilated while actually passing very rapidly [...] He couldn't explain aloud what he finds so absorbing about his emails to Marianne, but he doesn't feel like that it's trivial. The experience of writing them feels like an expression of a broader and more fundamental principle, something in his identity, or something more abstract, to do with life itself. (h. 117)

protagonis lelaki ini merasa seperti ini mungkin karena ia juga berada sedang dalam perjalanan, dan waktu yang melambat dan melembut ini mengizinkan inspirasi untuk datang dan menelusup dalam ekspresi yang ia tuangkan dalam surel untuk Marianne. dan mungkin inilah yang ajaib dari perjalanan, terutama perjalanan yang banyak diwarnai oleh transportasi publik. terutama jika menjalaninya hanya dengan diri sendiri, sehingga proses dialog terjadi secara internal, privat, dan lebih intim. 

iv.

aku suka transportasi publik. 

hari ini aku melaju berpuluh-puluh kilometer, kalau aku lihat Google Maps. kalau melihat Samsung Health, aku melangkah 17.368 langkah hari ini, yang berarti 16.73 km. betapa terasa pasif tapi produktifnya langkahku, bukti bahwa manusia dalam hidupnya pun bisa jadi produktif meskipun perjalanan dilihat bukanlah sesuatu yang bermakna dan perlu divaluasi.

aku suka transportasi publik.

mari kita lihat apakah dalam waktu dekat aku akan naik transportasi publik lagi. 

 

  

Car Conversation

 "you could be more confident." a brief silence. a soundless moment to plan the words after. "not that you should, it's your decision and life, it doesn't have to be forced. but i do want you to know that your insecurities... it's definitely not something that i see on yourself."

another silence.

"to be honest, you are the one of some persons that i look up to." 

it was raining cats and dogs outside when I stepped out from the car. I don't remember what I said next, except something to lighten the mood, because the conversation was a little bit outside our charted territory, something we haven't indulged in if we're sober, and I was desperate to put it back in its place. This talk was something we won't do unless the world has become darker and slower in its pace. We used to talk a myriad of unsafe topics too but it was performed under liquid courage.

just before the sleep took me over, I stared at my chat room and texted, "thank you for your kind words."

but our dynamic has come back to its nuances; light-hearted, on-surface, not even platonic... just friendly. a friend who will be there for another friend, a friend who ask another out for trivial reasons. 

he responded with familiar manners, back to his unserious tone. but he was serious back then, and he was kind, and his words were wise, and that's enough for her to continue her dull life.