here you go. my first reflection after my break-up.
===
Evaluating things and making much
of reflections are my current work recently. Really exhausting, of course, but
I’ve learned this really help me encountering a new lesson and a better life.
I’ve
been EXTREMELY devastated these last two months. Probably people won’t see it
on the surface because I looked happy and cheerful as usual, giving my best to
perform an okay Shabia, and always try to offer people my help, my shoulder, my
time, but inside, it’s always a little bit ruined. Because of what, perhaps
some of you can guessing. But one day in the morning I woke up from my tiring
sleep and I realized I couldn’t be this weak any longer. I have to DO
SOMETHING. Accepting weakness and being sad is one of human’s way to heal
trauma and also included in 5 stages of loss and grief, and I have no problem
going through that (as for conviction i will go out from this fucking period,
EVENTUALLY) but if I didn’t make any movement, there won’t be change after all.
So,
yes. I woke up one day and I took my pen, I wrote many things which already
happened lately. I swallow all of bitter things: my mistakes, my bad behaviour,
my lame manner, because I’m not a santa and i have to admit I can be bad
sometimes, but everyone is. I accepted people left me because of ME and there’s
nothing very wrong about it. But also, I praise myself for positive and good
things I’ve been doing, also appreciate myself to do two of them: the bad one
and the good one, because life is about doing things from both poles and
balancing it, right? People probably leave you because you are a bastard but
IF, just IF, they were resistent enough to help you they will stay. But some of
them are not. And now I have to thank them because if they didn’t “hit you and
run”, hurt you and leave, I won’t be able to reach this point.
The different
things after all is, i suggest myself to become more aware to not do the same
failure and to take many lessons from one’s failure. And after that, I let go.
I let go all things. And then, this is the hardest part, I’m trying to forgive
myself. And gladly i could do that even it only goes over 70 percent. At least
i make progress. I will still making new progress, aku mah apa, bahkan masih
belum 50:50 sama progress hidup aku.
Now,
instead of putting myself in anguish (well honestly i still do it sometimes
HAHA hey nothing wrong with it asal gak sering-sering) and suffering for
nothing, i do many things i couldn’t do in the past. Life beyond limit and
border—last Saturday i went to Gunungkidul riding my manual motorcycle while I
haven’t mastered the parsneling and I SURVIVED. I’m scatheless. I painted my
inner hair with purple tint (and soon, green) and I felt fancy, I’m now putting
lipstick and applying powder and painting eyeliner, I’m taking yoga class,
going to vihara, learning tarot, I also take dancing class—something i want to
do since junior high school but my first debut on the contrary happened just a
few weeks ago—and I hang out with many friends. I feel nice. Sometimes I still
feel empty and sad and I still pour out my tears on my loneliest night, but
back then, it’s about balancing your emotion and your life: sad and happy
things at the same time, you will inevitably face that. Dont worry, two of them
will give you lessons. Now my intention is not about doing something perfectly,
but maximally. Maximal in grasping something new from it.
Now
it’s your turn.
