microcosmos

the sun rises in the east,

set in the west,

earth rotates 

and moon revolves,

everything remains the same 

but deep down

deep down

deep

down

 

stronghold

the sounds of bird chirping

and the crescendo the morning sun makes

along the walls, without painting

i opened my eyes

and you were still asleep

and you are here; i am here; we are here

the universe stay still and we persist

Melancholia

Last night we fought,

Adding a long record of fights that we do not require

Because why fight when we cherish each other's presence, love each other's self, long for each other's story?

Why fight if small friction only means a millimetre dark stain on the big, colourful fabric?

Last night I cried myself to sleep,

Hoping that you could watch my dismay

And in that dismay you could watch a multitude of feelings I hold for you 

For what you feel is I've never been fond of you or have never loved you as big as you do (but how do we compare? How do we measure? How do we be sure?)

But it is surely not like that

I always feel

When I say "stars are very far"

And by saying that, what I want to emphasise is yet, I can feel the star's magnificence

You would only focus on the distance

When I say "I need my time alone"

And by saying that, in fact, I only need some me-time for awhile and do not reject yourself as a totality,

You would only focus on the abandonment

When I say "we are still early"

And by saying that, what I want to express is the unexplorable spaces and contexts and genres we are yet to explore (and we are exploring some of it, a work in progress!)

But you would only focus on the fact that I disregard our timeline and temporalities and agency to make meanings of our time relativity

I wonder:

What is wrong with us? What is wrong with our conversation? Is it because we cannot express so clearly what we meant to say, or we cannot interpret so plainly what our beloved meant to say, or is it because there's something so inherent in our connection that we are too stubborn to acknowledge? 

This morning I woke up and remembered the happy dream that I had: we travelled to another city, snow was drizzling around us and from your hair, we are smiling from ear to ear like sadness will not be able to master our emotion, and never have I ever felt so carefree, and happy, and loved, and simple. Then I remembered how you said you do not trust me, and the feelings of dread returned to me.

Sayang, can we be simple?

I think it is the most fundamental reason beneath my willingness to learn and walk with you: that I'm sure under our complexities, the heart of the matter if we are simple persons who love each other. 

My ego disagreed with me when I said I was okay if you did not trust me, because she was certainly not. How could she? But we learn, and we unlearn, and I want to give an ample space for you to feel anything you want to feel, but I pray to God that you will see I go nowhere, without you.

And I hope it's fine for now. 

love that lasts (hopefully)

you are so persistent; like a dew trickles down and falls to a stubborn stone, like a ray of sunshine infiltrates a tiny bit of space of someone's warehouse, like the first London siren which wakes me up ahead of my alarm. you resonates a type of this intrusive energy that melts me down, into an insignificant being, something so small and hopeful and humbled and optimistic and fearful and brave and vulnerable and strong; something so complex yet so simple—contradiction of one another yet complement each other too. you reminds me of the colourful horizon that once clouded by big big cumulonimbus in gloomy London sky.

i came home today with a heavy heart. last night we spent an awfully good time, didn't we? we spoke myriads of things that have happened, is happening, and will happen—in the near future or the far one. i compliment your smile and you compliment my presence. 

i came home today with a heavy heart, and i've already missed you by the time i stir my loneliness in my coffee. i put my heart on my pillow and she tells me about the story of this strong boy who likes to laugh and entertain, but hides a multiple layers of sorrow and forlorn. 

at that moment i know i love you so dearly. 

----

written while listening on 'To Build a Home' and 'That Home' by The Cinematic Orchestra interchangeably. 

thank you, A, for coming into my life. 

Meteor

menembus atmosfer, membakar segala sesuatu yang ada, tak bisa dicengkram, tak bisa dibendung, hanya melaju, dan melaju, dan melaju—hingga ia sampai di permukaan.

kau tatap aku dengan matamu yang dalam. 

kau rengkuh sisi-sisi yang tak kutahu ada di dalam diriku, tidak untuk kau ambil, karena sisi itu hanya tetap menjadi milikku tapi kau terima dan rawat juga. katamu: aku tidak ada di sini untuk mengubahmu. pikirku: atau mengambil apa yang sudah tertanam dalam diriku. 

meteor telah jatuh ke permukaan. apinya telah padam. 

tapi tidak dengan api di dalam dirinya, di dalam diriku, di dalam diri kita: 

meteor telah melebur menjadi bagian; dari bumi yang senantiasa berubah; dalam epos-epos yang kelak akan dijudulkan oleh manusia, yang dengan keterbatasannya tidak dapat memahami apalagi membentuk keseluruhannya. hanya bisa menjalani, menebak satu dari banyak keping, karena tujuannya bukan untuk mendefinisikan tapi untuk mengendapkan makna yang disuarakan berbagai perubahan.

babak yang baru, baru saja dimulai. 

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salam sayang dan selamat terbangun dari lelap. 

terima kasih A, sudah datang ke kehidupanku.