microcosmos

the sun rises in the east,

set in the west,

earth rotates 

and moon revolves,

everything remains the same 

but deep down

deep down

deep

down

 

stronghold

the sounds of bird chirping

and the crescendo the morning sun makes

along the walls, without painting

i opened my eyes

and you were still asleep

and you are here; i am here; we are here

the universe stay still and we persist

Melancholia

Last night we fought,

Adding a long record of fights that we do not require

Because why fight when we cherish each other's presence, love each other's self, long for each other's story?

Why fight if small friction only means a millimetre dark stain on the big, colourful fabric?

Last night I cried myself to sleep,

Hoping that you could watch my dismay

And in that dismay you could watch a multitude of feelings I hold for you 

For what you feel is I've never been fond of you or have never loved you as big as you do (but how do we compare? How do we measure? How do we be sure?)

But it is surely not like that

I always feel

When I say "stars are very far"

And by saying that, what I want to emphasise is yet, I can feel the star's magnificence

You would only focus on the distance

When I say "I need my time alone"

And by saying that, in fact, I only need some me-time for awhile and do not reject yourself as a totality,

You would only focus on the abandonment

When I say "we are still early"

And by saying that, what I want to express is the unexplorable spaces and contexts and genres we are yet to explore (and we are exploring some of it, a work in progress!)

But you would only focus on the fact that I disregard our timeline and temporalities and agency to make meanings of our time relativity

I wonder:

What is wrong with us? What is wrong with our conversation? Is it because we cannot express so clearly what we meant to say, or we cannot interpret so plainly what our beloved meant to say, or is it because there's something so inherent in our connection that we are too stubborn to acknowledge? 

This morning I woke up and remembered the happy dream that I had: we travelled to another city, snow was drizzling around us and from your hair, we are smiling from ear to ear like sadness will not be able to master our emotion, and never have I ever felt so carefree, and happy, and loved, and simple. Then I remembered how you said you do not trust me, and the feelings of dread returned to me.

Sayang, can we be simple?

I think it is the most fundamental reason beneath my willingness to learn and walk with you: that I'm sure under our complexities, the heart of the matter if we are simple persons who love each other. 

My ego disagreed with me when I said I was okay if you did not trust me, because she was certainly not. How could she? But we learn, and we unlearn, and I want to give an ample space for you to feel anything you want to feel, but I pray to God that you will see I go nowhere, without you.

And I hope it's fine for now. 

love that lasts (hopefully)

you are so persistent; like a dew trickles down and falls to a stubborn stone, like a ray of sunshine infiltrates a tiny bit of space of someone's warehouse, like the first London siren which wakes me up ahead of my alarm. you resonates a type of this intrusive energy that melts me down, into an insignificant being, something so small and hopeful and humbled and optimistic and fearful and brave and vulnerable and strong; something so complex yet so simple—contradiction of one another yet complement each other too. you reminds me of the colourful horizon that once clouded by big big cumulonimbus in gloomy London sky.

i came home today with a heavy heart. last night we spent an awfully good time, didn't we? we spoke myriads of things that have happened, is happening, and will happen—in the near future or the far one. i compliment your smile and you compliment my presence. 

i came home today with a heavy heart, and i've already missed you by the time i stir my loneliness in my coffee. i put my heart on my pillow and she tells me about the story of this strong boy who likes to laugh and entertain, but hides a multiple layers of sorrow and forlorn. 

at that moment i know i love you so dearly. 

----

written while listening on 'To Build a Home' and 'That Home' by The Cinematic Orchestra interchangeably. 

thank you, A, for coming into my life. 

Meteor

menembus atmosfer, membakar segala sesuatu yang ada, tak bisa dicengkram, tak bisa dibendung, hanya melaju, dan melaju, dan melaju—hingga ia sampai di permukaan.

kau tatap aku dengan matamu yang dalam. 

kau rengkuh sisi-sisi yang tak kutahu ada di dalam diriku, tidak untuk kau ambil, karena sisi itu hanya tetap menjadi milikku tapi kau terima dan rawat juga. katamu: aku tidak ada di sini untuk mengubahmu. pikirku: atau mengambil apa yang sudah tertanam dalam diriku. 

meteor telah jatuh ke permukaan. apinya telah padam. 

tapi tidak dengan api di dalam dirinya, di dalam diriku, di dalam diri kita: 

meteor telah melebur menjadi bagian; dari bumi yang senantiasa berubah; dalam epos-epos yang kelak akan dijudulkan oleh manusia, yang dengan keterbatasannya tidak dapat memahami apalagi membentuk keseluruhannya. hanya bisa menjalani, menebak satu dari banyak keping, karena tujuannya bukan untuk mendefinisikan tapi untuk mengendapkan makna yang disuarakan berbagai perubahan.

babak yang baru, baru saja dimulai. 

.

.

.

salam sayang dan selamat terbangun dari lelap. 

terima kasih A, sudah datang ke kehidupanku. 

A new bestfriend

i think it is a misconception to illustrate that a person has so many layers like an onion. i am more inclined to believe that human have several layers like flowers, in which they shed their skins by their own will, and we just witness how they trust ourselves enough to grow together with us and finally are firm to show their own true colours. our task, however, is only to give necessary time and comfort space for the flower to complete its cycle. stand a bit close but not too close it will harm them. have a faith and embrace them but not too tight they cannot regulate their own bodies. afterwards, we could also pick up the petals and keep it to both of us, as a memento that once it covered the person beautifully (but maybe not so truthfully). the flower now is probably seem less pretty; but I can sense it is lively and ripe -- for it has pistil and stamens that will manifest as another prominent organism elsewhere.

a flower is a subject of beauty and so friendship is. 

thank you mas riz for the friendship (and trust). when you were gone I felt a tad bit sadness and loneliness and that time I know that you are dear to me. 

your bestie,

bia. 

Smallest Interaction

This is how it feels like if you're having a crush, bur you keep silent about it, but you lowkey are longing for interaction and communication that will cheer up your entire day, but you don't express it anyway. every replies will ignite your heartbeat. every sources about him will be an artifact that you analyse really carefully, wholeheartedly. even his username on your instagram views will make you smile.

it's quite pathetic, isn't it? I recently saw from Instagram that if you feel like you're attached or attracted to someone so strongly though you barely know each other, it is most likely because of (1) you're bored --  you have nothing going on in your life at the moment and your brain identifies this person as a form of  'excitement', (2) you're trying to avoid painful and overwhelming situation in your life right now, so you associate this person as a form of 'distraction', and (3) you want what they have (or what they represent to you), whether it's their discipline, success, assertiveness, etc etc, so they are a form of 'reflection' to you. i cannot deny all these factors, as my life (especially the romantic sphere) has been suck for the last 6 months, and it was when I met him, I finally felt something. not as cliché as love, but probably ... attraction.

these last two days I scanned his name on my instagram views and found none. i wonder if this is because he is busy or he might do something with my account (mute me?) or if it's just an instagram random algorithm that push my story away from his top 10. the second thing is quite impossible, as I highly doubt he feel such a strong emotion towards me to the point he want to mute me. see, I stress over something so trivial and again: it's quite pathetic, isn't it? 

but just a few minutes ago I see his name. 

I smile. 

while I pray that this constant attraction just flickers away like fireflies who went to their home after the morning light, I'm also grateful since I could find peace in the smallest interaction and I am still able to like someone.

or: let's wake up from your delulu-ness and make him as one of your close friend, and see if things going well afterwards, shabia.