growing older means losing some friends and finding the new one. for me, friendship breakup is truly hurtful, even more hurtful than breaking up with my ex boyfriends. maybe it's because i put more trust in friendship than romantic relationships. maybe it's because i easily become more vulnerable whenever i am with my besties and friends. maybe it's because we share different love languages when we are with our best friends, maybe it's because we have distinct ways of 'selection' to feel that they are the ones.
growing older means losing some friends because we are more confident on our... boundaries, and we seek kindred spirits that meet us halfway. this means they are capable of adapting and adjusting to our complexities, like we can adapt and adjust to their rhythm. of course, 'adapting' and 'adjusting' is not a taken-for-granted dynamics, forged without efforts, intense, and communication between two friends. i have learnt that adaptation and adjustment should be done not only with quiet understanding but also with an open and honest conversation to prevent negative assumptions. these two -- quiet understanding and honest convo -- move like a pendulum, dancing between contexts and complexities currently happening in their life and yours. and lowering your ego... is a must. really really lowering egos from both parties. well, every relationship is not so different after all (i am suddenly reminded that i wrote the same reflection when I think about successful romantic relationships, lol)
i recently cut ties with someone, blocking her from my social media account. this was extreme, as I usually give benefit of the doubt: mute someone or hide my own profile from them until my head got more cleared. but this was done after several times I texted her to support her activism, and she replied only with an emoji. this was done after I encouraged myself to ask her why.. and she left my message seen.
we used to be close, not as close as I was with my other girlfriends, but close enough for me to do several vulnerable things I wouldn't do to someone else. when I have an urge to block her because I constantly check on her and think of her, which I think is unhealthy, my old self come and try to reason with me: she is a fellow activist (a notable and influential one, in fact), you can re-connect with her sometime later, you might need help from her one day. don't burn the bridge. staring at my old self, I spoke to her: none of it matters as I found she has crossed my boundaries. she choose silence, and empty responses from other side is beyond my control. it will never work if there is no willingness from another side. it takes two to tango. etc etc
sometimes I am afraid I will be alone and unloved by many, seeing i experienced a lot of friendship breakup. i also acknowledge I am not free from sin and mistakes; to be honest, I am a relatively difficult person to be with as well. i have an avoidant attachment style, i am quite self-centered to the point I get annoyed easily if someone try to reason or change my systems, i like to compare myself with others, i am intense, and full of fear, and full of anxiety, etc etc. the lists are endless.
but i am also a loving person. a caring one. i am highly observant. i am quite funny (if you get my joke). i can understand spectrum of emotions and complexities quite well. i can comprehend some issues really well and this might help you. i rarely think negative about someone. the lists are also endless.
i cannot conclude this one, but i think... those who stay with me are the ones who have multitudes of characters and dynamics that can fit into my multitudes... and it's a mystery how that will work.
then: let's be resilient, bia, don't be tired to become more vulnerable and stronger at the same time, and those friends who read this, please don't give up on me!
