a breakup (not with my boyfriend)

growing older means losing some friends and finding the new one. for me, friendship breakup is truly hurtful, even more hurtful than breaking up with my ex boyfriends. maybe it's because i put more trust in friendship than romantic relationships. maybe it's because i easily become more vulnerable whenever i am with my besties and friends. maybe  it's because we share different love languages when we are with our best friends, maybe it's because we have distinct ways of 'selection' to feel that they are the ones. 

growing older means losing some friends because we are more confident on our... boundaries, and we seek kindred spirits that meet us halfway. this means they are capable of adapting and adjusting to our complexities, like we can adapt and adjust to their rhythm. of course, 'adapting' and 'adjusting' is not a taken-for-granted dynamics, forged without efforts, intense, and communication between two friends. i have learnt that adaptation and adjustment should be done not only with quiet understanding but also with an open and honest conversation to prevent negative assumptions. these two -- quiet understanding and honest convo -- move like a pendulum, dancing between contexts and complexities currently happening in their life and yours. and lowering your ego... is a must. really really lowering egos from both parties. well, every relationship is not so different after all (i am suddenly reminded that i wrote the same reflection when I think about successful romantic relationships, lol)

i recently cut ties with someone, blocking her from my social media account. this was extreme, as I usually give benefit of the doubt: mute someone or hide my own profile from them until my head got more cleared. but this was done after several times I texted her to support her activism, and she replied only with an emoji. this was done after I encouraged myself to ask her why.. and she left my message seen. 

we used to be close, not as close as I was with my other girlfriends, but close enough for me to do several vulnerable things I wouldn't do to someone else. when I have an urge to block her because I constantly check on her and think of her, which I think is unhealthy, my old self come and try to reason with me: she is a fellow activist (a  notable and influential one, in fact), you can re-connect with her sometime later, you might need help from her one day. don't burn the bridge. staring at my old self, I spoke to her: none of it matters as I found she has crossed my boundaries. she choose silence, and empty responses from other side is beyond my control. it will never work if there is no willingness from another side. it takes two to tango. etc etc

sometimes I am afraid I will be alone and unloved by many, seeing i experienced a lot of friendship breakup. i also acknowledge I am not free from sin and mistakes; to be honest, I am a relatively difficult person to be with as well. i have an avoidant attachment style, i am quite self-centered to the point I get annoyed easily if someone try to reason or change my systems, i like to compare myself with others, i am intense, and full of fear, and full of anxiety, etc etc. the lists are endless.

but i am also a loving person. a caring one. i am highly observant. i am quite funny (if you get my joke). i can understand spectrum of emotions and complexities quite well. i can comprehend some issues really well and this might help you. i rarely think negative about someone. the lists are also endless. 

i cannot conclude this one, but i think... those who stay with me are the ones who have multitudes of characters and dynamics that can fit into my multitudes... and it's a mystery how that will work.

then: let's be resilient, bia, don't be tired to become more vulnerable and stronger at the same time, and those friends who read this, please don't give up on me! 

Malam Lebaran (bukan bulan di atas kuburan)

sudah sekian lama tidak merasakan keheningan yang khas di penghujung Ramadhan, di mana terdapat rasa menggantung hinggap di hati dan di pucuk-pucuk tumbuhan yang menghadap langit malam hari. takbir berkumandang dari pelosok kota, dan mama masih sibuk di dapur mempersiapkan ini-itu, sementara orang-orang muda di keluargaku sudah mulai transisi ke kamar, melakukan hal-hal biasa setelah sebelumnya mempersiapkan baju dan alat shalat untuk dipakai shalat ied esok hari. aku tepekur di depan laptop dan melarikan jemariku untuk menumpahkan perasaan ini. perasaan sedih yang tak terjelaskan, yang juga diwarnai rasa senang. karena akhirnya aku merasa kesedihan yang khas ini, yang hanya muncul ketika hari raya Idulfitri sudah menyambut di depan mata. 

ramadhan ini masih terasa duniawi. setiap harinya aku belum lengkap shalat lima waktu, masih ada hari tidak berpuasa yang bukan disebabkan menstruasi, tidak ada tadarusan, tidak ada itikaf, dan tidak semua sunnah muakkad kujalankan. aku bekerja penuh waktu dan paruh waktu, sebuah kombinasi yang membuatku tetap setia di depan laptop hingga larut malam. aku tidak bisa melakukan satu hal yang sebenarnya sudah kuniatkan sejak awal ramadhan, bahkan sebelumnya: aku tidak jadi membaca tafsir dan ikut kajian! padahal aku ingin sekali, karena ingin memanfaatkan momentum ini untuk mendalami Islam, tentunya dari kacamata yang progresif. 

tetapi jika dibandingkan dengan tahun-tahun sebelumnya, ramadhan tahun ini tidak duniawi-duniawi amat, ada berbagai ibadah yang kujalani, meskipun tidak perlu kusebutkan karena kurasa akan mengurangi amalannya. kendati jumlah buka puasa bersama semakin berkurang, tetapi kebersamaan dengan keluarga dan significant other tidak absen. di ramadhan ini aku banyak menerima kabar baik dan belajar menerima diriku apa adanya. 

melebihi semua pengalaman personalku soal ramadhan, aku menjalani bulan penuh berkah ini di tengah situasi Indonesia yang sedang tidak baik-baik saja. represi kepada warga sipil menguat, dengan militerisme menelusup ke berbagai urusan publik. kekerasan semakin intens. demonstrasi melemah, kalau tidak mau dibilang semakin tiada. kadang aku berpikir rezim yang masih kerap menyebut "bismillah", "insyaAllah", menyebut-nyebut nama Tuhan, melakukan sumpah atas nama Tuhan, dan meyakini rakyat bahwa mereka mengamalkan Ketuhanan yang Maha Esa benar-benar takut dengan dosa, setelah apa yang mereka lakukan kepada banyak orang di negara ini. ramadhan ini penuh dengan kemarahan, tapi aku tidak takut marah, karena marahku didasari oleh cinta kasihku kepada orang banyak dan hak asasi manusia. 

maka aku menutup Ramadhan ini dengan tiga hal: rasa syukur, karena masih melewati ramadhan ini dengan indah; keinginan untuk menjadi lebih baik lagi dan mengamalkan hal-hal yang belum tercapai di ramadhan ini, karena ibadah dan amal baik harus terus-menerus dilakukan (terutama baca tafsir dan ikut kajian!); dan doa kepada Tuhan agar aku senantiasa diberi jalan untuk berpartisipasi dalam perjuangan membuat Indonesia lebih baik, yang semoga terwujud di lebaran berikutnya.

Taqabalallahu minna wa minkum.

Minal aidin wal faidzin, teman-teman! Happy eid mubarak! 

Some Mathematical Thoughts

There’s a reason why that particular verb is called 'menggenapkan'.  

Contrary to popular belief, I’d like to think  

that the basic formula for the entanglement of two persons  

is 1 + 1, not 0.5 + 0.5.  

I’d like to think we have a task:  

to fulfill ourselves, to find and be found,  

to stand whole before we reach for another.  

I’d like to think we have the capacity  

to be content with who we are—  

to love someone not as a projection of our own longing  

for connection, or a remedy for old wounds,  

not as redemption for past wrongdoings,  

nor an escape from the shadows of trauma.  

I’d like to think this fuzzy mathematical formula holds,  

even if I know it’s just a product of my own mind,  

a fragile scaffold built from the fear of abandonment.  

As a “1,” you don’t have to fear being reduced,  

even when someone leaves you  

to face the chaos of your own abyss.  

You are not diminished; you remain whole. 

Complete, as you are. 

“Why are you so hard on yourself? And on me?
Why do I feel like you see me as a constant threat?”
I remain silent,
my eyes drawn to the ball of thread,
tangled and forgotten in the corner of my room.

“Can you see me as someone
free from the shadow of your past?”

I feel myself drifting—
quiet feet moving toward the corner.

Salam sayang dan selamat tidur.