Last night we fought,
Adding a long record of fights that we do not require
Because why fight when we cherish each other's presence, love each other's self, long for each other's story?
Why fight if small friction only means a millimetre dark stain on the big, colourful fabric?
Last night I cried myself to sleep,
Hoping that you could watch my dismay
And in that dismay you could watch a multitude of feelings I hold for you
For what you feel is I've never been fond of you or have never loved you as big as you do (but how do we compare? How do we measure? How do we be sure?)
But it is surely not like that
I always feel
When I say "stars are very far"
And by saying that, what I want to emphasise is yet, I can feel the star's magnificence
You would only focus on the distance
When I say "I need my time alone"
And by saying that, in fact, I only need some me-time for awhile and do not reject yourself as a totality,
You would only focus on the abandonment
When I say "we are still early"
And by saying that, what I want to express is the unexplorable spaces and contexts and genres we are yet to explore (and we are exploring some of it, a work in progress!)
But you would only focus on the fact that I disregard our timeline and temporalities and agency to make meanings of our time relativity
I wonder:
What is wrong with us? What is wrong with our conversation? Is it because we cannot express so clearly what we meant to say, or we cannot interpret so plainly what our beloved meant to say, or is it because there's something so inherent in our connection that we are too stubborn to acknowledge?
This morning I woke up and remembered the happy dream that I had: we travelled to another city, snow was drizzling around us and from your hair, we are smiling from ear to ear like sadness will not be able to master our emotion, and never have I ever felt so carefree, and happy, and loved, and simple. Then I remembered how you said you do not trust me, and the feelings of dread returned to me.
Sayang, can we be simple?
I think it is the most fundamental reason beneath my willingness to learn and walk with you: that I'm sure under our complexities, the heart of the matter if we are simple persons who love each other.
My ego disagreed with me when I said I was okay if you did not trust me, because she was certainly not. How could she? But we learn, and we unlearn, and I want to give an ample space for you to feel anything you want to feel, but I pray to God that you will see I go nowhere, without you.
And I hope it's fine for now.
