Contemplation (1)

It's funny how our definition of success and satisfaction is constantly changing.

Three years ago, I nearly had everything. Supportive family, endearing boyfriend, many friends, and a bunch of business at some organizations -- still I felt unfulfilled. Perhaps, the main reason of this dissatisfaction is because I had a lack of believing myself. Other things are a combination of overthinking habits that I kept whenever I isolated myself from other people, I had no gratitude for things that had been given by The Universe at that time, I tend to compare myself with everyone particularly my beloved one, and I didn't appreciate things that has surrounded me. Therefore, without strong psychological basis inside myself, I'd always had these problems buzzing inside my head. I felt tired. Unfulfilled. I blamed The Universe. I easily got tempered and threw this emotion to people whom I loved. I knew that was wrong. But I couldn't help myself. No one could. No one knew what happened inside myself, neither did I. (It's a very long story, and I barely know two years after that this constant sadness and anger was a result of sudden change and new expectation)

Then I set new goals: I have to fulfill myself first, overcoming my psychological issues, enriching myself from inside ... and more appreciating people in my circumstances.

I reach these goals when I lost my boyfriend. From a girl who didn't have a fundamental foundation inside herself, had a tendency to blame people around her, yet still denying their naive traits -- I turned to be this calm, sad, purposeful, contemplating-face girl who always trying to see herself first before stressing the problems in others' self.

But new problems started to make new shape: I still had many businesses, still had many friends, people trusted me, I've built this strong base inside myself... yet I had to sacrifice my romantic feelings and encountered much of devastating self-reflection. This happened two years ago.

In the end of this period, when I've stabilized my love life, pursued my career life and my short-term goals, I couldn't maintain my best friends and I lost my grip on them. Many people considered me too busy and couldn't prioritize them in my life. They felt Bia doesn't need them and cannot appreciate their presence, always ignored their chats and only contacted them whenever she needs them, and that's why Bia is not too worth to befriended. That's why they should avoiding me.

Then I set new goals: I need to get my friends' trust back, I ought to learn how to maintain best friends and I have to convince them that I really love them not only by hypocrite sayings, but also in doing something to them. I released several business and organization that once I attached myself to, and spend more time to accompany them and asking their life.

I got my friends back.
But now my life is in the most stagnant state in the last fucking three years.
I'm afraid I will feel emptiness like I used to feel three years ago if I don't tangled myself to some business due to get a vibrant and lively life. I'm scared that I won't be succeed as my friends are.

I began to proceed a new goal: What I aim to be in the future? What things do I need to take in order to make myself happier than this present time? What's next?


...... I still want to find out how I define "success" and "satisfaction" nowadays, and I'm hoping I'll know immediately, so I can move on to the exact things that I have to do. But in this very present moment, I want to cherish every good things that have been my goals three years ago, because I still make a progress in my life.